AFI are Boneheads, Lucas and Speilberg Making Movies Better

The boneheads at the American Film Institute are total boneheads. They compiled a list of the top 100 movies of the last 100 years, but completely fouled it up. Out of all the great movies of the last 100 years like The Lord of The Rings, Gladiator, Saving Private Ryan, Braveheart, Pulp Fiction, they chose - get this - Citizen Kane as their #1 movie. I had never heard of this movie, so I looked it up. After I read a plot synopsis on Wikipedia, I realized it was an old boring movie I fell asleep watching in Film 200. It’s in black and white for Gord’s sakes! And not in a cool stylistic Tarantinoesque way, I’m talking black and white for the whole movie! No computer graphics, no action scenes – just an old man whining about his toboggan. Terrible.

There is some hope though, my fellow Cinephiles. Even while the geezers at the AFI are trying to promote ancient garbage, some filmmakers are working to make movies better. George Lucas has already made vast improvements to the Star Wars trilogy, and Steven Spielberg has also used new technology to improve E.T. Now, it has been announced by Paramount that these two are teaming up to make alterations to their famous Indiana Jones Trilogy: Raiders of the Lost Arc, The Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade.

The news came as quite a shock when the two announced the plan in a short Q & A yesterday. Lucas said they planned to make the films “more exciting, more politically correct, [...] [and] more child friendly.” Spielberg commented that the films have not stood the test of time and will need to be updated. “When compared to a movie like War of the Worlds, there just isn’t enough computer effects, isn’t enough aliens, and isn’t enough Tom Cruise.” When asked if Cruise would make an appearance in the updated trilogy, Spielberg replied, “We’ll be contacting his people.”

At the end of the Q & A, Lucas and Spielberg outlined several of the many changes that will be made to the trilogy. Among them were:

• The portrayal of Nazis in the RotLA and TLC has been deemed offensive to Germans. Nazis will be changed to aliens in the new trilogy.
• There is a classic RotLA scene where Jones comes across a threatening man in a black robe swinging around a massive sword and Indiana simply pulls out his gun and shoots him. In the new scene Indiana only shoots him after the man in the black robe pulls out a gun and shoots a badly aimed shot hitting the wall behind Indy.
• In the scene where Indiana walks into Marion’s bar near the beginning of RotLA there will be a Jawa being bucked off a Dewback outside the bar.

There will also be many enhancements to action scenes using computer graphics. Lucas concluded by saying, “We’re remaking the trilogy for a new generation. We hope those who enjoyed the trilogy when it first came out will take their kids to the new films!” It appeared Lucas thought his microphone was off when he then turned to Spielberg and said, “We’re going to make billions off these fools.”


In unrelated movie news, a 2 Disc Special Edition DVD of The Passion of The Christ will be released for next Easter. It is rumored there will be a controversial alternate ending on the DVD. Apparently, at the scene were Jesus is being put on the cross, Mel Gibson will ride in on a big white horse wearing full Braveheart attire complete will blue face paint, pull Jesus onto his horse, and ride off into the sunset as he screams that “Jews will be responsible for all the wars in the world.”